For teachers, there’s almost no such thing as a normal day. Students (no matter how old they are) do some pretty strange things over the course of the school day. Often times, you find yourself stringing together sentences that you probably couldn’t have even guessed would come out of your mouth. Like ever.
Recently, we asked our Facebook fans to share some of the most surprising things you say as a teacher. Here are some of our favorites.
1. “Please don’t bite me.”
Lori B. says this was met with, “Oh, I wasn’t going to bite you, I just wanted to lick you.’”
2. “Who is snorting like a pig?”
It’s certainly true that teachers end up having to investigate mysterious animal noises being made by humans more often than the average person does.
3. “Don’t microwave the baby.”
Giving kids time for free play is good, but it’s still good to encourage good behavior.
4. “Don’t touch his Woody without his permission.”
Chris W. had a students trying to take a classmate’s Toy Story toy.
5. “You can have your cremated snake back at the end of the day.”
Sometimes you just have to remove the distraction from the equation.
6. “Why do you have your grandma’s false teeth?”
And we want to know …does grandma know about this?
7. “We don’t poke the door with our penis.”
Sometimes direct is best.
8. “Please don’t use your tongue to touch the button on the Smartboard.”
This is never a good idea.
9. “Why do you have fried chicken in your pocket?”
This takes snacking to a new level.
10. “Why do you have a baby bird in your backpack?”
It was alive. But it sure didn’t belong at school.
11. “We can’t chew gum that we find on the bathroom floor.”
I mean, we can …but we shouldn’t.
12. “We don’t drink hand sanitizer.”
This was said to a junior in high school.
13. “Thanks for inviting me to the keger, but I’m a teacher.”
Amy S. was 21 and teaching at a large high school when she got invited to a keg party.
14. “No, I do not want to see your scientist underwear.”
The teacher did add on, “I’m sure it’s super cool though.”
15. “Please don’t tell me my soul belongs to you.”
Too much sci-fi for this student.
16. “Um, that’s not a balloon. That’s a condom.”
Brenda M. says her student had taken a condom from his mom’s drawer, and then blew it up at school.
17. “Did you just put banana in my coffee?”
The answer was yes.
18. “Please don’t put pipe cleaners in your nose.”
Kathy V. tells us she had to give this reminder to her sixth graders. She also had to add, “Don’t put them in your friend’s noses either.”
19. “Turn off your shoes!”
Yes, those light-up shoes can be turned off with a button.
20. “Get your eraser out of your bellybutton!”
To be clear, Gretchen M. said she actually said “Get your borraodor out of your ombligo!” She was talking to a third-grade Spanish class.
21. “Take your finger out of the hole in your desk. It’s going to get stuck again.”
This teacher tells us this is something she had to say to a senior.
22. “We keep our eyes open when we’re walking.”
This one one that Debra M. overheard a colleague say to her first graders. She was trying to keep them safe!
23. “Don’t touch my tummy. I don’t touch your tummy.”
Kathy D. says this is something she has to say to her first graders …on a regular basis.
24. “Do NOT lick urinals!”
Just the thought of it made you crinkle your nose, doesn’t it?
25. “No, you can’t pick up the poop with your hands OR with a stick.”
It’s a no either way.
26. “Even if your hands don’t smell like pee, you still need to wash them.”
You’re not a teacher unless you’ve said something like this.
27. “Put your eyeball back in your head and quit scaring the girls with it.”
Susan W. says this game from a student who had a fake eye from a bb gun accident.
28. “Stop snorting Altoids up your nose!”
This was a new one even for Dinah F. who teaches eighth-grade math.
29. “Where are your pants?!”
Julianne M. had to ask a freshman in high school this!
30. “How did he pee on your head?”
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
31. “Honey, are you sure you want to name your unicorn horny?”
It seems like a logical name.
32. “You are NOT allowed to take off your shoe and bite your toenails in this classroom.”
33. “If you’re thirsty, please go drink out of the water fountain instead of that puddle.”
You are not a puppy!
34. “When we get angry, we don’t take our pants off.”
There are other ways of dealing with anger.
35. “Don’t lick your armpit! We have already discussed this!”
This was something Donna T. said this to a nine-year-old boy when he was wearing a sleeveless shirt.
What are some of the strangest sentences you’ve said in your classroom? Share them with us in our Facebook group, WeAreTeachers Chat!
Plus, take a look at these 18 hilarious GIFs that summarize the first year as a teacher .